Narrated By Sarah

I Refuse to Have a Boring Life

Sarah Ann — Thu, 03 Sep 2026 03:10:31 GMT

Well hello there, Readers! Yes, I KNOW!!! I abandoned this Substack again.

I would love to sit here, issue a heartfelt apology, promise to do better, create a respectable little posting schedule, and pretend this will never happen again. But Readers, have we met me? My life gets completely unhinged, I start collecting adventures like they’re loyalty points, and suddenly I look up and realize it has been OVER A MONTH since I updated this thing.

In my defense, life has been doing the absolute most lately. I am MOVING, which would already be enough chaos on its own. But apparently that wasn’t quite exciting enough, so we also went to THREE concerts in a two-week span. Then I bought a new car. And now actual human beings are preparing to move all of my worldly possessions into Rainbow Sanctuary 3.0 while I continue acting like I have nowhere else to be.

I may spend a night or two at the new Rainbow Sanctuary before disappearing again for roughly a week and a half of adventures, conferences, questionable scheduling decisions, and Vegas. Because apparently moving my entire life does not mean life itself is going to slow down.

Could it?

Absolutely.

Would that have been the sensible choice?

Obviously!!!

But what fun would THAT be?

Readers, I will choose the adventure every single time. If my choices create unnecessary logistical chaos and require Starbucks, optimism, and several miracles to pull off, then so be it. I REFUSE TO HAVE A BORING LIFE!!

As for this Substack, I promise I will eventually return once my life settles down enough for me to remember I have one. And because I have once again disappeared on all of you, I’ll extend your free memberships another six months. At this rate I am NEVER going to make money off this publication, but apparently I am running a charitable organization now. You’re welcome. I’m loyal like that.

In the meantime, if you require the 24/7 live broadcast of whatever ridiculous decision I am making next, Facebook remains the place to be. I basically use it as a public diary with absolutely no editorial oversight.

Until I wander back over here again, Readers, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Which, at this point, leaves you with VERY few restrictions.

It Was Supposed to Be a Disaster

Sarah Ann — Thu, 30 Jul 2026 03:51:46 GMT

Craig and I have officially been together for a year and a half, Readers! This milestone feels both completely normal and absolutely impossible at the same time. When this started, I did not picture anniversaries. I honestly pictured a brief, chaotic adventure followed by an awkward conversation where we agreed it had been fun, terrible and something we should never mention again.

I gave us 3 months and honestly that felt generous.

Readers, I Got the Keys 🌈

Sarah Ann — Wed, 29 Jul 2026 03:13:01 GMT

Readers, you know I cannot keep a secret to save my life, so honestly I am shocked I kept this one quiet for as long as I did.

But it is official. I have the keys!!!!

Rainbow Sanctuary 3.0 is HERE!!! 🌈

And Readers, this is not just another apartment. This is a brand new, 3 bedroom home in a brand new development. As in, nobody has ever lived there before.…

Workplace Wellness Is Trying to Kill Me

Sarah Ann — Tue, 28 Jul 2026 03:15:06 GMT

Readers, I do not know why I continue to do this to myself. Truly! I never learn. At this point I am the living, breathing definition of doing the exact same thing over and over and somehow STILL expecting different results. Even when history has VERY much shown me how this story ends.

I signed up for another employee wellness program!

I KNOW!

My longt…

Two Years Later, Readers

Sarah Ann — Sun, 26 Jul 2026 07:08:07 GMT

Two years ago, Readers, I had absolutely NO clue what my life was going to look like. The job I had basically grown up in and had since nearly high school was ending. I was barely a year out from leaving a 13 year marriage, and I had no grand plan. No five year vision board. No inspirational quote taped to my bathroom mirror. I was pretty much survivin…

The Life You Cannot See Yet

Sarah Ann — Thu, 23 Jul 2026 03:30:17 GMT

Content Note: Readers, this post discusses suicide, suicidal thoughts, self-harm and mental health. If that is not something you want to read about today, you do not have to. This one is a little heavier than my usual posts.

For anyone who is struggling right now, please know you are not alone. If you need help, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

I Blew Up My Life In Under 7 Days

Sarah Ann — Wed, 22 Jul 2026 02:35:12 GMT

Readers, big changes are about to happen in my life. Life altering changes! If all goes as planned, I will have completely blown my life up in the course of 7 days. Which honestly sounds on brand!

I cannot tell you exactly what is happening! YET! But just know this: It is happening. It is moving forward. The wheels are officially in motion! The…

He Was Right, and I Hate That

Sarah Ann — Wed, 22 Jul 2026 01:45:06 GMT

Have you ever had a moment where you can close your eyes and picture yourself in that exact moment again? Not just remember it, but actually go back there for a second. You can see the room. You can hear the voice. You remember the expression on someone’s face with a clarity that makes no sense considering how many years have passed. I have one of those…

Pearl 2.0 Is Currently Somewhere in the Pacific

Sarah Ann — Sat, 18 Jul 2026 04:07:09 GMT

Readers, Pearl 2.0 is officially happening.

I actually bought a new car.

Well, technically, that sentence requires an asterisk, several footnotes, and probably a small financial disclosure because nothing in my life can ever be that simple. But the important part is this: there is a brand new Prius currently on a ship making her way toward me, and at some…

Dear Universe, Don’t Fuck This One Up

Sarah Ann — Fri, 17 Jul 2026 07:15:15 GMT

Dear Universe,

First off, I stole this idea from a Facebook post, so let’s not give me too much credit for creativity here. I am simply borrowing someone else’s emotional concept and making it significantly more dramatic. As is tradition.

Anyway, we need to talk.

I know I complain about you a lot. In my defense, you have made some deeply questionable choic…

The Birthday Committee, the Balloon Crisis, and the $25 Hostage Situation

Sarah Ann — Fri, 17 Jul 2026 03:57:09 GMT

Readers, why the universe looks at my life and decides I should be its longest running joke is beyond me. At some point, you would think it would grow tired of turning my existence into a nearly 40 year sitcom. Surely there are other people available. Surely someone else can be assigned the unnecessarily complicated errands and minor inconveniences that…

Thirteen Years Began at Starbucks

Sarah Ann — Thu, 16 Jul 2026 03:13:07 GMT

I woke up this morning and the world had the nerve to look completely normal. The sky was blue. There were no rain clouds gathering ominously over my Rainbow Sanctuary. My annoying boyfriend was not bothering me at 5:00 a.m. like he usually does. Bestie had not yet informed me that my life choices needed to be reevaluated. Even my commute was boring. No questionable drivers. No emotional breakdown set to a perfectly timed song. No unexpected plot development.

Honestly, Readers, I thought it was going to be a good day.

Then I got to work, looked at the date and remembered. It is July 15.

There are two dates in my life that carry more weight than all the others. Two dates that divided my life into a before and an after. Two dates that changed the direction of everything that followed, even though I had absolutely no idea at the time.

March 23 and July 15.

July 15, 2010, is the day I met my husband.

Well, my ex-husband.

He is dead now.

I still do not know how to write that sentence without pausing afterward. I am not used to saying it. I am not used to typing it. I am not used to the fact that a person who occupied thirteen years of my life can now be reduced to a sentence in the past tense.

But here we are.

I suppose I will eventually become accustomed to saying the words, although I am not sure anyone ever becomes accustomed to what they actually mean. There is something deeply unnatural about referring to someone who was once woven into nearly every part of your life as someone who no longer exists. The world keeps moving, people continue making dinner and complaining about traffic, and you are expected to casually understand that someone who once knew the sound of your footsteps is simply gone.

Fish Tacos and Other Signs Something Is Wrong

Sarah Ann — Wed, 15 Jul 2026 03:27:05 GMT

Readers, I cooked last night.

I KNOW.

I do not know what happened either. One minute I was placing a Walmart order because I needed a few things, and the next I was standing in my kitchen mixing coleslaw and putting fish into the air fryer like some kind of functioning adult with meal-prep intentions.

Frankly, it was unsettling.

Let’s start at the beginning…

Reality Is Gaslighting Me

Sarah Ann — Tue, 14 Jul 2026 03:43:08 GMT

Readers, do you believe in the Mandela Effect?

Because I do.

I am not casually interested in it. I am not merely entertained by the theory while watching TikToks at midnight. I believe some of us are walking around with memories from a different timeline, and the rest of you are either from this one or have simply agreed to participate in reality’s elabor…

The Cafeteria Timeline

Sarah Ann — Sun, 12 Jul 2026 19:48:27 GMT

Readers, I think you discover exactly how not okay you still are when you drink enough for every emotional lock inside you to spring open and your entire life comes pouring out onto someone who was probably expecting a normal Saturday night.

That was me Saturday.

One minute I was functioning like a relatively well-adjusted adult. The next, alcohol had apparently been granted unrestricted access to the Sarah Historical Archives, and I was emotionally unloading decades of heartbreak, grief, bad decisions and unresolved trauma onto another human being.

The Great Singing Fish Conspiracy

Sarah Ann — Fri, 10 Jul 2026 04:53:10 GMT

Well Readers, Sunday morning arrived entirely too soon because the two idiots I voluntarily continue to spend time with apparently have some sort of biological defect that prevents them from sleeping like normal people.

Readers, I genuinely do not think they’re built correctly.

The Fourth of July Craig Almost Left Me for George Birge

Sarah Ann — Thu, 09 Jul 2026 04:25:04 GMT

There are a lot of things I expected to happen during our Fourth of July weekend in Vegas. I expected chaos because obviously. I expected traffic because everyone and their patriotic uncle decided to descend on Las Vegas for America’s 250th birthday. I expected the boys to argue about something unnecessary, Bestie to get annoyed at least seventeen times, Craig to somehow end up charming a complete stranger, the kids to ask some random question every twelve minutes, and me to spend an unreasonable amount of time staring at my emotional support Sphere from the Tower like it was a glowing orb sent by the founding fathers themselves to soothe my fragile little nervous system.

The Jury Has Reached a Verdict: It Was All Craig's Fault

Sarah Ann — Thu, 09 Jul 2026 03:18:03 GMT

There are two universal truths in this world.

First, coffee should always come iced.

Second, when something goes horribly wrong, it is probably Craig’s fault.

Please do not argue with me about this. I know some of you are already clutching your little imaginary pearls, preparing to defend that man because he seems so wonderful. And yes, fine, I get it. Cra…

The Great Flip-Flop Betrayal

Sarah Ann — Wed, 08 Jul 2026 03:38:04 GMT

Well hello there my lovely Readers!

I am back! I spent the Fourth of July weekend in Vegas celebrating America’s 250th birthday with the boys and the kiddos, and as you have probably already guessed, it was complete chaos. There were concerts. There were eye rolls. There was my emotional support Sphere. There was the Tower. There were patriotic argument…

The Cake That Traveled First Class

Sarah Ann — Wed, 01 Jul 2026 04:32:03 GMT

Readers, every friend group has that moment where you stop, look around, and realize absolutely nobody involved is making responsible decisions. Ours happened this week when Bestie bought an eight hundred dollar designer cooler. Now before you think Bestie and Craig have suddenly taken up competitive boating or are planning weekends sipping champagne on…