Mandatory Training and Other Forms of Psychological Warfare

A dramatic reimagining of mandatory workplace training featuring suspense, villains, plot twists, and one employee who has thought about this far too much.

Readers, I have had a revelation: Someone needs to create better employee training videos.

Now before any of you start pointing fingers at me, let me stop you right there. That someone is not Sarah. Sarah is busy. I have a full-time job. I have a commute. I have a boyfriend to annoy. A Bestie to argue with. A group chat to terrorize. A Substack to write. A coffee addiction to maintain. My schedule is already held together with sticky notes, calendar reminders, and pure determination.

But the fact remains: Someone needs to fix employee training videos.

I was sitting through some mandatory training recently when I found myself wondering the same thing I always wonder. Who is making these? And more importantly, why do they all feel like they were filmed inside a conference room where happiness was permanently banned in 1997?

Every year employees across America are forced to watch the same videos. The acting is terrible. The dialogue sounds like it was written by an AI that has never met a human being. The scenarios are somehow both unrealistic and painfully awkward at the same time. And the production quality suggests the budget consisted of one tripod and a stale donut.

I understand the purpose of these trainings. Harassment prevention is important. Workplace safety is important. Cybersecurity is important. I am not questioning the subject matter. I am questioning why the delivery method feels like a punishment.

Because I refuse to believe there is no better way. Imagine an OSHA training video filmed like an action movie with a dramatic narrator, slow motion footage, and a ladder standing alone in a warehouse while ominous music plays.

“Steve thought the top step was merely a suggestion.” It was not. Cue explosion. Lesson learned.

Or take cybersecurity training. Why are we still pretending people care about passwords? Give me a villain. Give me suspense. Give me a hacker sitting in a dark room plotting to destroy civilization through Karen’s weak password choices. Show me the consequences. Make me emotionally invested. I want to root against the hacker. I want to cheer when Karen finally enables two-factor authentication. I want character development!

And don’t even get me started on harassment training. Readers, there has to be a middle ground between treating employees like responsible adults and making us watch Brenda and Chad perform the most uncomfortable breakroom interaction ever captured on camera.

Because every year it’s the same thing. Brenda says something weird. Chad looks uncomfortable. Everyone learns a valuable lesson. The end. Surely we can do better than this.

The more I thought about all of this, the more ideas I had. Soon I wasn’t paying attention to the training anymore. I was mentally casting actors. Building storylines. Creating entire cinematic universes.

The OSHA Extended Universe.

Cybersecurity: The Reckoning.

Harassment Training 4: Human Resources Strikes Back.

Readers, I had concepts. Strong concepts. Unfortunately, concepts are all I have. Because while I apparently have enough imagination to redesign the entire mandatory training industry, I do not have enough free time to actually do anything about it.

So this dream will remain where most of my questionable ideas live: Inside my head. Right next to the video headstone, the rainbow funeral plans, and the approximately twelve books I swear I am going to write one day.

Still, if anyone out there works in employee training and wants to revolutionize the industry, call me. I have notes. Lots of notes. I will not do the work. But I will absolutely sit in the audience and tell everyone I had the idea first.