Readers, We Almost Lost Me Today

A dramatic retelling of the worst three hours of my modern adult life.

READERS. I need all of you to understand the level of suffering I endured this morning because frankly I do not think enough studies have been done on what happens to people like me when society temporarily collapses.

And by society collapsing, I mean the internet went out.

Not just the internet either. No. Because apparently the universe looked down at me this morning and said, “Let’s make this experience educational.” So not only did the Wi-Fi disappear, but my cell service vanished too. Completely. Gone. No bars. No signal. No tiny little “5G” symbol giving me false hope. Nothing.

Readers, I cannot properly explain the horror of looking down at your phone and realizing you are completely cut off from civilization. I refreshed my phone at least seventeen times because surely Verizon would not abandon ME personally like this. Surely this was a misunderstanding. A glitch. A temporary lapse in judgment. But no. The phone just sat there in silence while I slowly descended into psychological warfare against myself.

Now normally when something mildly inconvenient happens in my life, I immediately tell the internet. That is how I process emotions. That is how I survive. Some people journal. Some people meditate. I dramatically overexplain my problems online to strangers while drinking iced coffee and waiting for validation. It’s called coping, Readers.

Except suddenly I couldn’t.

I had no internet.
No cell service.
No way to text anyone.
No TikTok.
No Instagram.
No ability to send my boyfriend unnecessary updates every eleven minutes.
No way to tell my Readers that I was currently experiencing what I can only describe as emotional pioneer conditions.

And THAT is when the panic truly set in.

Because I realized something horrifying about myself during those dark moments sitting at my desk refreshing my phone like a Victorian widow waiting for news from war:

I would not survive the apocalypse.

At all.

Not even a little bit.

People always act so confident about survival situations too. They’re always like, “I’d hunt for food” or “I’d build shelter” or “I’d protect my family.” Meanwhile I lost Wi-Fi for a few hours and immediately started mentally preparing my final will and testament. Different skill sets, I guess.

But what really sent me spiraling was realizing people used to LIVE like this. VOLUNTARILY. Entire generations survived without internet and somehow still managed to function as human beings. Which honestly feels fake to me. Like propaganda. Because HOW??

How did you communicate?? If your boyfriend was being annoying in 1987, what happened then? Did you just have to sit there in silence and process your emotions alone like a psychopath? Did you have to CALL PEOPLE on purpose?? With your actual voice?? Absolutely not. I would rather pass away respectfully.

And apparently people “went outside for entertainment.” Which sounds deeply suspicious to me personally. Everyone over the age of fifty talks about riding bikes until the streetlights came on like it was some magical golden era meanwhile I walk outside in Arizona for six minutes and immediately feel my organs begin shutting down from heat exhaustion.

ALSO. Let us not overlook the fact some people survived before modern air conditioning too. No internet AND no AC?? Readers, that is not nostalgia. That is a survival challenge sponsored by Satan himself.

Honestly I think older generations were simply built differently because this morning I almost had to sit alone with my own thoughts and let me tell you right now that is not an environment I thrive in emotionally, mentally, or spiritually.

Thankfully civilization was eventually restored. The internet returned first which honestly felt like witnessing the second coming. Cell service took a little longer because apparently even the towers needed time to process the trauma they had caused me personally. But when those little bars finally reappeared on my phone screen, peace returned to the kingdom.

Birds started singing again. My will to live returned. I could once again annoy my boyfriend, refresh TikTok, and update my Readers in real time like God intended.

Anyway this experience changed me deeply as a person. Mainly because I now know with absolute certainty that if the apocalypse ever actually comes, I will not be taken out by zombies or starvation.

I will die searching for Wi-Fi while holding an iced coffee and asking someone if they know the password.