The Cake That Traveled First Class
Craig wanted Dayna's legendary "sex" cake. Bestie bought it an $800 ride to the Tower.
Readers, every friend group has that moment where you stop, look around, and realize absolutely nobody involved is making responsible decisions. Ours happened this week when Bestie bought an eight hundred dollar designer cooler. Now before you think Bestie and Craig have suddenly taken up competitive boating or are planning weekends sipping champagne on a yacht, let me assure you that is absolutely not what is happening here.
No.
This cooler has one very important responsibility.
It is transporting the Sex Cake to the Tower this weekend.
Now before some of you clutch your pearls, let me explain. The Sex Cake is not actually, well, a sex cake. That’s just what we’ve always called it. It’s a ridiculously good chocolate caramel Heath Bar cake that my sister Dayna makes, and Readers, this cake has reached legendary status in our trio. It is the dessert equivalent of a celebrity. Craig requests it every other month simply because he can, and Dayna, being the wonderful human she is, somehow continues enabling this behavior.
To understand the importance of this cake, you first have to understand Craig.
Readers, Craig has never met chocolate he didn’t immediately love. If dessert menus were dating apps, he would swipe right on every chocolate item before the waiter even asked what we wanted to drink. Milk chocolate. Dark chocolate. Chocolate cake. Chocolate cookies. Chocolate ice cream. If it contains cocoa, Craig has already decided it’s the correct choice. I genuinely think if someone told him chocolate counted as a vegetable, he’d never question it.
Bestie, meanwhile, is practically allergic to joy and sugar. This is a man who would happily replace any cake or dessert with a plate of roasted vegetables and somehow convince himself that was the better choice. He does not care about dessert. He certainly doesn’t care about Heath bars.
But he loves his husband.
Which is apparently why purchasing an eight hundred dollar designer cooler specifically for transporting the Sex Cake seemed like a perfectly reasonable financial decision.
Readers, they already own a giant Yeti. A perfectly functional giant Yeti. Apparently the Yeti wasn’t luxurious enough.
Somewhere during this conversation, someone genuinely looked at an existing premium cooler and said, “No. The Sex Cake deserves better.”
I need that sentence entered into the historical record exactly as written.
An eight hundred dollar designer cooler.
For cake.
This, Readers, is what having entirely too much disposable income looks like. Somewhere in America people are debating whether they should spend eight hundred dollars replacing the tires on their car. Meanwhile, these two are over here saying, “The cake deserves luxury transportation.”
The part that makes me laugh the most is that this wasn’t even Craig’s idea.
This was Bestie.
Apparently he loves his husband enough to buy an eight hundred dollar designer cooler so his favorite cake arrives at the Tower in pristine condition.
Honestly, that’s kind of adorable.
Ridiculous.
Financially questionable.
But adorable.
Somewhere, the designers who created this beautiful luxury cooler are probably imagining glamorous families taking it to polo matches, elegant picnics by the ocean, or expensive yachts drifting through crystal blue water while chilled champagne waits inside.
The boys?
Theirs is about to become famous for safely transporting the Sex Cake to the Tower on America’s 250th Birthday.
I hope they’re proud of their marketing.