Workplace Wellness Is Trying to Kill Me
Fifteen days of glucose alerts, questionable life choices and one boyfriend whose medical advice involves candy bars.
Readers, I do not know why I continue to do this to myself. Truly! I never learn. At this point I am the living, breathing definition of doing the exact same thing over and over and somehow STILL expecting different results. Even when history has VERY much shown me how this story ends.
I signed up for another employee wellness program!
I KNOW!
My longtime Readers already know this NEVER ends well for me. One time a workplace wellness program told me I had a thyroid problem. Cue several doctor appointments, a parade of tests and thousands of dollars later and there was absolutely nothing wrong with my thyroid! Then another wellness test told me I have low iron. Fine! Okay! Apparently my iron is wandering around somewhere in the basement. Whatever! I still feel fine!
So naturally, because I clearly enjoy suffering, I signed up for this 15 day glucose monitoring program where they stick a little sensor to me and let my phone spend two weeks personally attacking me.
And now? CONSTANT CRITICAL ALERTS!!!
“YOUR BLOOD SUGAR IS LOW.”
Excuse me?!?!
My phone is acting like we need to call in a helicopter while I am sitting here drinking my water and iced coffee, minding my business and feeling COMPLETELY NORMAL! I have no dizziness, no fainting, and no dramatic collapse across my desk. Nothing! The absolute AUDACITY of this tiny little sensor to keep interrupting my life to inform me that apparently I am on death’s doorstep when I am over here wondering if it's lunch time yet.
So anyway, according to workplace wellness, I now have low blood sugar to add to my alleged low iron situation. AND I have my organ scan this week also because apparently I looked at all of these previous experiences and thought, “You know what Sarah needs? MORE DATA!!”
Wonderful!
I am sure by Friday they will discover that my spleen is haunted, one kidney has resigned and my liver has started a small Etsy business. Pray for me, Readers!! Workplace wellness is trying to take me OUT!
And for the official record before Brenda gets concerned: I FEEL FINE!!
At this point I am starting to think employee wellness is less “wellness” and more “let’s see what we can convince Sarah is wrong with her this month.” I’ll keep you posted on what organ is allegedly failing next.
P.S. - I told that annoying boyfriend of mine about my apparently imminent glucose related demise and his response was to send me a meme of someone eating a candy bar. That was it!! No concern or sympathy!! Just “perhaps have a Snickers bar” energy. Thank you, Craig.